1 Year 136 Days - End of February

 Well, time sure do fly by quickly. It is already the ending of February 2023 and nearly 1.5 years since we broke up; 7 months into my first job earning the dough. If I do remember correctly, your last day in university should be around early May. Since that was the day of my final year presentation, which is intentionally allocated to be after all the Final papers. Means, 2 more months till you graduate from NTU like I did, 1 year go. Though, we obviously didn't interacted at all, but I'll still wish the best in finding your first job.

Felt like picking up bouldering as a sport now because I haven't exactly find an interest in a sport that I can do alone as an individual. Though I still suck at it though I've tried for bouldering for 4 times now. Got myself a cute chalk bag to make myself look aesthetic instead of having to carrying around a zip-lock bag and hiding it from other climbers from them to judge me. Today is just going to be a short post because I am bored at home during the weekend therefore, just decided to throw a little update of my life. Work has been rather exhausting these days and low morale in the team is spreading because of the recent retrenchment. Just surviving on the monthly moo-lah that they'll be paying us, but OT everyday for an hour or two, might not be the best I'll say, it can be quite tiring and also it stopped me from going to the gym because I wouldn't want to reach home too late as well..

*edited on 4 March 2023

Well, from your linkedin profile, it seems that you have already started your full time job in Jan 2023. That is interesting, so you didn't take a gap semester for your internship and just move on to work almost immediately. No wonder, you have never appeared in your ACBS friends instagram stories.

Day 1 Year + 112 days (2 Feb 2023)

    It is your 23rd birthday today, I wished you on 3:45pm during one of my reservist mall patrol duties. Currently, it is 11:27pm of 2/2/2023 but you have yet to acknowledge nor reply my message to you. While, I am currently just sipping on my cold beer as today has been a rather tiring walking day for me and finally will have a day off from mall patrol.. Well, no doubt about my feelings is that I still do care for you, though I somewhat have anticipated for your reply, but the excitement of receiving your message has died down a lot as compared to how it was before.

    As much as I truly do hope that we can still be friends with memories in the future, but I guess if you have no intention of being friends with me anymore, I will not pursue for it as well because we obviously do not benefit from each other in any way since we are living in opposite sides of Singapore, as well as our line of work will never interfere with each other. 

    Oh wells, good night little one.. i miss you, obviously.

Day: 1 year + 104 days

        It has been rather long time since we have last contacted, but you did wished me a happy birthday on the 26th of November. I felt that I was pleasant that day as you were the only one that wished me in 2022. I procrastinated on this blog post because I was too lazy to type what I am feeling but since today is the first day of my first reservist cycle, I decided to take some time out to write my feelings and reflections. 

        On the 31st of January 2023, will be the end of my 6 month probation with Micron as a fresh graduate hire. Though we are facing a downtime in US market where 10% of the workforce in Micron will be cut, I truly do hope that I can get through this. Time in Micron has truly been very fast as I tend to just toh at home after work and the weekends has just been me complaining about being bored at home and end up going to places where I had in my bucket list to go with you, Priscila, but this time with my brother or dad. We also go on walks to Joo Koon Decathlon and Singapore Discovery Centre to just spend time out of the house during the weekend. I have also seen other ladies in Micron that are potentially good partners but of course, they are already attached so I did not pursue them, while I try to keep them as colleagues or friends if possible. I'm definitely not interested in destroying one's relationship just to satisfy my own needs. 

        Well, looking at your Instagram reel on the 1st of January, I also have a rough idea that you are with the new boyfriend. However, I still felt that he is in fact a downgrade because I felt that he has nothing better than me. If anything, he is just doing anything replicated of me, but he lacks the humor that I probably have given to you during the 3years of university life and he only grabbed the opportunity when it was the lowest point of our relationship. I won't blame your choice as all I felt was naivety to pick someone else when you are in a relationship and from over a trivial matter that should have already been resolved. Oh well, I definitely still look forward to the day that we can make contact and have a nice cup of coffee to catch up on our days and experience on a happy day.

See you again when I have something on my mind to write about! :)  

1 Year & 42 days (Or it could have been 3 years anniversary)

 Hello.. once again. ☺,

    Since I am on a long sick leave today, by chance I looked at the date and it is 24 November again. The day in 2019 that I got the best looking bouquet from the florist, in my parents car and on the way to your piano recital with Amanda tan and friend. It was also the day that I asked for you to be my girlfriend because I know my feelings then have already been true for you and want to forge the most beautiful future with you. I think.. you will have already forgotten how much 24 Nov meant to us and 2 more days, which is my birthday. I have no expectations of anything since we have already separated for more than a year.. and have broken off all contacts since April and the last email we shared was in July as well. I have made no intention to continue the email as well because I felt that I'm not ready to accept the end of the relationship which I have put 101% into. Even recently in October, when I seen you and our mutual friends' instagram story when I see Javin was joining you and the others in SengKang to eat, something still boils deep down and made my stomach churn. As much as I wish to be able to accept that you are gone for good, I cannot accept the fact that I am being replaced by someone of insignificance and quality as compared to me. Hence, I have reconsidered on the time to make contact with you and decided that it will be better if I hold off this opportunity of making contact with you even though it may seem like the best time to do so. But I have decided to completely let you go, and not have any intention or mindset of getting you back as a girlfriend. 

    Work has been getting easier as the weeks go by, things are falling into place as I have gain more knowledge on the work as well the business process of how things should be done so that I won't have to do everything when it is the responsibility of others. I have already been in this job for nearly 4 months now, time surely feel like it was sped up when I am busy with my own work. The thought of missing my ex girlfriend has been kept at its minimum as well, but whenever I think of her, I don't whine about it anymore, neither do I feel the urge to want to get drunk because of what happened. It still aches but it doesn't hurt like a fresh wound anymore. I just want to make things right even it still means that we will never be as close as we were, even as a fellow freshmen we knew each other during our hall orientation camp. We have all grown in our different ways which led to this separation, the people that we have interacted, we trusted, we listened to, have given us many different opinions that may or may not be a good one have molded us into a couple that was sweet at the start but could not last in the long run. If we were still as innocent and does not do things with an intention, maybe we could have had a better relationship. I will believe that we have separated due to the inferiority of one of us achieving more than the other, and hence being left behind. I know that when I was behind Priscila in terms of academic, I felt disappointment in myself, felt like I was useless, because I could never compare with her in terms of financial status, so I felt like I have to be better in at least one item, which was then only sports/games. I was only better at that one thing just because I was more athletic than her, so I studied super super hard to be better than her. I would then persuade myself that I am trying to get better grades to be her role model so that we can work towards a common goal of being the better versions of ourselves, but in the current now that I think about it, was I also affected by thus, inferiority complex, when your partner is achieving more and is always compared by your parents whatever and it makes you feel like you're nowhere near your partner. I understand she was also working very hard to be better in terms of academics but I believe it wasn't showing results because she was too consumed by many distractions in life such as wanting to stay up late to be with friends and have a social life, followed by earning side income by teaching tuition at least 2 times a week, and also a weekly volunteering CCA which she participated as a sub-committee in. These extra time which could have been better used in revision was wasted in doing something which we, students, think that it is important for our portfolio. But in actual fact, so little of it was questioned/mentioned during my job interview as those CCA play so little in our roles as a potential candidate to join in a fast-paced environment. 

    Looking back at what I  could have done better, will be to not stress her out in my constant revision, I will still do my due diligence of revision but I will not stress her by mentioned about studying even during the weekends. I am a goal oriented person and I never liked to lose, therefore I was also mean and harsh to her when I was playing games with her which I think I will have to work on my temper on those stuff. I guess these are the reflections for today and maybe it won't be long before the next blog post. Well, I hope everyone stays safe and for those still heartbroken and unable to leave their ex, they'll be able to understand that in every breakup, there is a part to play by both parties even how minor the mistake may be. 

"She had a King, but she the moment she decided to discard and reshuffle, all she got now are Jokers."

Day: 365.. +2 days

    Time just flew by so quickly, it has already been a year since I was your boyfriend, things are starting to feel much calmer than before. Though there are still days where I will still think of how you are doing, wanting to find out if you're still single and what not, I held myself back to not contact you for the time being even though I don't dislike or hate you in any way.

    Work has been stressful since I have to learn to juggle both training as well as work because the tool that I was assigned to, SEM, is definitely not simple but unfortunately they have always never allocated a backup team member for this equipment. Hence, even while Micron has mass hired so many new hires into the department, I am still doing this equipment alone and everyone else just has the impression that it is a simple task just because they haven't been into this specific job role itself. The learning of this equipment is easy, but the social skills, the inter-relation skillset that I will need to speak to my technicians, engineers, senior engineers, vendors and sometimes even managers that are from another department to explain the problems that I will face as well as to give alternative solutions to their problem statement. 2 months and a half into this job, I can definitely feel the stress slowly piling up as the training phase is over and more expectations from bosses and senior engineers are slowly pouring in. The trainings provided are also irrelevant to me as a tool owner as they are more targeted towards process owners. I have also not been meeting my friends for a while now, because everyone is just so busy with work. But I believe that once you have started working, the whole planning of saving money becomes so much more complicated. You'll look at how much you will spend and save in the month that you will do minimally, because I try my best to minimize my spending in the first month but I have also spend $1k in just the basic stuff of buying some nice food, maybe a couple of drinks with a friend in the month. This is followed by the mountain of monthly payment to insurance as well as investment that I will have to put in every month. Have also made some calculations on how much money I will need to earn just to be able to afford a first hand car with a loan. It feels kind of impossible at this current century, such that car with COE is about 150-200k. Just the a 40% downpayment is going to make me broke immediately. Assuming 200k with 40% downpayment is already 80k cash which I don't have. and the next 60% is on bank loan with an interest of >3%. Just by looking at the downpayment itself, I will rather just be taking a grab to and fro from work. But oh well whatever, too early to make these spending decisions.

     Well, back to the topic. I do hope that we will keep in touch next time when we are more matured and definitely be able to smile and have a good dinner together instead of having tensed up moments of the past. Our time together was a memorable one at least for me, it has caused me pain but I'll say if I didn't loved you and got together with you from the start, I will have regretted even more.

Day 315: 3 Weeks into adulthood

    Its already 3 weeks of work into Micron when the New Hire Training is also coming to an end and proper On Job Training will commence on 29 Aug. Met a few new people in Micron who are from NUS MSE, well I think they are very nice to have included me into their clique so that I won't be so lonely for my classes, lunch as well as on the way home. However, just recently, I felt quite tired while being around them sometimes, such that I have to try to integrate myself into their clique so as to seek validation from them. Maybe I have been trying to impress Qian Ning from the start because of her looks? I think I will have to realign my focus to doing well at work instead of looking for a relationship in my workplace. She is cute but, definitely her lifestyle is something I will never want to see in my lifelong partner. Her spending habits were quite bad such that she said her bank is about to hit $500 at one point. If I want to achieve the same financial goal as I wanted it to be, her spending habits will only prolong my goals and probably be a burden in my wallet anyway. She is also very well liked by many, especially guys which creates an insecurity in myself as well. However, to put it.. somehow I felt maybe I will prefer a more toned down personality who will not attract too much attention.. I felt that it is definitely just an infatuation and probably Qian Ning is just an 'eye candy', therefore I should also realise that she might be someone that I wouldn't want to date in the first place. Its hard to understand girls nowadays, I feel exhausted just by interacting in Micron at times, feeling that I will also want the extra time to space out at work if I can though it shouldn't be the case since it is only training period and the real work hasn't even started.

    To be honest, I haven't even think of Priscila for the longest time so far, but I definitely do miss the times when I can just ask her to meet at the lobby of hall 11 to ask for a long silent hug and I can just rant about how shitty my day is. She will listen attentively to the things I have in mind that is keeping me awake and try to console me in a way that doesn't make me feel disrespected. Well, I do miss her smiles hence I really do hope that without my existence, she can smile much more now. I definitely hated the fact that she has cheated on me emotionally way before the break up, but I guess it is a phase that I have walked away from and never looking back. All I want to do, is to believe that this is for the better as of that moment and maybe things were all very chaotic and shouldn't have stayed together since then. 50 more days to the "Break up Anniversary", hahaha! feels so surreal that I am actually counting down the days as if I am supposed to be celebrating this day which I am not planning to. I can still remember the days when I tortured myself with lots of alcohol, cigarettes and just not doing anything efficiently. Literally no mood to study so I just lie on bed all day and thinking of what I can do to get her attention when I really should have left her alone and done my own things and work on myself to move on. I'm glad that I have walked out of it... ☺

Day 291: D-1 to Full time job position

    Time has passed by each day miraculously quickly while I was serving back my 3 months owed of National Service. I was also taking a long 2 weeks leave before my de-kit day and here I am, a few hours away from my first day in the job at Micron as a Process Integration Engineer. Also, being at 291 days after the break-up, has forced myself to grow into a different version of myself. I have been into a few "dates" with girls I used to hang out with in the past, and at the start, I was being very possessive as well because I believe I was seeking that validation from them as I have just suffered from a heartbreak, probably the first proper heartbreak. But this time, I have learnt many lessons from these experiences, it is always better to keep a distance between the guy and girl, such that there is a mystery for each other to find out about each other. Also, to take note to not let myself be so easily succumb to temptations and greed. 

    These few days has been the "hardest" for the longest time since April to be exact because of the numerous times I have seen her in my Instagram stories. Where she attended the convocation for the NBS hall friends, while at the same time Javin is there as well with a balloon which seems very much like what Priscila will buy for her partner. I felt no anger, just a bit of a disappointment as she could have been the one to take many pictures with at my convocation.. We were a hall 11 couple, where we have shared treasured memories in various spots in school and hall. Yun Nan Garden, Hall 11 entrance, NBS xiao long bao area... these were the few locations that I wanted to take pictures with you for my convocation but for now.. it is better for me to not see you for the time being. This is so that both of us can properly forget about the insecurity and desperate version of me when you decided that 13th October will be the day of the break up. There is probably still a little piece of me that wish all of this is a dream and that, things will just be the way it was when we were still happily in our honeymoon period. I don't need the attention from other girls to feel happy, and you know it as well otherwise I will have been out with many other girls while we were still in the relationship together. 

    In another 2 months and 13 days, will be the full 1 year that we have separated from each other's life... And I guess it is truly heartbreaking that something could have been made into fireworks, was in fact just fireflies that are only made to survive and look pretty in the night, but has a short lifespan that only can survive until night ends. Or maybe we were just couples that met at the right time when we needed someone to accompany for the duration of our university life but not the right person and hence we parted ways when you have found that other half you may have wanted to have. I guess instead of all words for this entry, I shall include a happy and cute picture of you. I wish the both of us happiness in whatever the outcome of our relationship shall be..